Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
