I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
