Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
