We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Randomize
