Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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