i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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