No stitches, just platelets and will power
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
