awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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