I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Banned from zoo.
Again?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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