last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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