My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
