Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
