I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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