Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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