I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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