all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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