So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
whose ass print is on the piano?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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