Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
