I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
