Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
