So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
