Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
