Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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