Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
