I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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