the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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