I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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