I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
