He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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