Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
