I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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