watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
