We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
