checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
