He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
