I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
