I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
