I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I touched a dick in church today
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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