4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
