I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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