ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
