apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My feet surprised me
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