Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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