I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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