I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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