I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
