college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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