what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
