Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
