Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I will die if light touches me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
