Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
