I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize