Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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