did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
