I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
