Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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