I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
